Tony Camilli

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Incontrovertible Proof of iPhone Redesign

Leaked iPhone 5 Screw

The image above, leaked by an unnamed Estonian fastener manufacturing company, has been identified by sources as a pivotal component of the upcoming iPhone 5. The screw is said to have been designed by Jony Ive himself, and is a clear indicator that the iPhone 5 will feature a 5.2" screen, LTE-Advanced++, dark matter-ion battery, a uniform tapered back that may or may not be tapered at all, a transparent Liquid Metal back, a gorilla glass 4.0 front, and an antenna forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Industry experts have posited that the screw will most likely be compatible with liquid thread-locking adhesives which would be necessary to stand-up to the normal vibration and rigors of a physical home button. In addition, analysis of the angle of the threads on the specialized screw indicates that the home button will be elongated to such an extent that it may or may not be mistaken for a perfect circle.

The screw is rumored to be a marquee feature of the iPhone 5 and will be dubbed the "iScrew". To build momentum for the expected October release, iScrew will be announced at WWDC and will be accompanied by a special iTunesU catalog of lectures and diagrams entitled "iScrewU: How Apple screws you to the iPhone." Apple is also expected to launch a corresponding "Fastenation/Fastenating" marketing campaign around the innovative fastener.

In a wholly unexpected turn of events, Apple responded to our request for comment:
"We don't know why you people keep calling it the 'iPhone 5'. Don't you realize this will be the sixth iPhone? This is not Siri, by the way." - unnamed Apple spokesperson who may or may not have been Siri

Some industry analysts have opined that Apple's rare response to rumor speculation is proof that Tim Cook is indeed running the "House that Steve Built" into the ground. They have subsequently trampled many small children on their way to their stock brokers shouting "sell, sell sell!" Others feel we may have simply called the wrong number.

In related news, the same Estonian company has seen a significant uptick in orders for a certain washer that can be used in applications such as securing the base of a flat screen TV to the panel. One highly reliable source has verified that this can only signify the release of an 8K Apple TV that also makes toast on June 22nd.


The story is developing and we will provide updates as they become available.